Everything Has Changed
by vausemanxo
Summary: AU. One-Shot. Tragedy strikes Vauseman. I suck at summaries, just give it a chance.


I can hear soft cries coming from the other side of the room, as well as some incoherent babble between sobs. I don't look up, I know who it's coming from.

Nicky's sitting next to me. One of her hands is on my thigh, the other is rubbing my back gently. Whoever came up with this concept was wrong. The contact wasn't comforting me in the least, it only made me want to cry.

I want to be alone, but they refuse to leave. They're convinced I'm in shock and I need someone to hold my hand like I'm a child.

"Do you need anything?" I hear Nicky's voice close to my ear, barely above a whisper. My eyes are settled on the space between my feet. I don't look up or respond, I don't nod my head or smile and she understands. "I'm gonna get you some coffee. I'll be right back."

Yeah, coffee will definitely make it all better. I think as she gets up and recedes from the room. I know she's just trying to help, but I don't want it. I didn't ask for it.

There's only one person that I want, that I need. She's the only one who can convince me that everything will be okay, that I'm strong and I'll survive. But she isn't here. I don't know where she is, cold and alone somewhere. I can't focus on it too long.

I see a couple of tears hit the floor where my gaze is focused.

"Hey." I cringe inwardly at the sympathetic tone, Nicky was back.

She handed me a foam cup. I still didn't look up or even express gratitude for the gesture. Again she understands.

"The prices here are fuckin' ridiculous." She scoffs.

I don't care about the prices or the coffee for that matter. I'll reimburse her later if she is as concerned as she seems to be about it.

I have never felt so alone in my life. I'm surrounded by friends, who just assume I'm looking to seek refuge in their arms, but they could never comfort me.

"M'am." I'm taken from my thoughts by Nicky. Her hand on my shoulder, shaking me in an attempt to pull me back to reality.

I look up, someone I've never laid eyes upon before is standing in front of me. She has that look, the same one all of my friends are wearing. It's grim and bleak.

"You can see her now."

I hesitate, looking over at Nicky with bloodshot eyes for some sort of guidance.

"Can we go with her?" She asks with little authority, completely out of character for the normally overbearing, charismatic red head.

"I'm sorry, hospital rules dictate only one visitor at a time under these circumstances." The nurse, or so I assume that's what she was, retaliated, seemingly frustrated with the question. Her expression suggesting we should already know the answer. As if we've gone through such a tragedy before.

I'm terrified, the fear conveying from my eyes. Nicky takes notice to my weakened state. She grabs my hand and squeezes it so tightly I nearly wince. "We'll be right here if you need anything." Her eyes never leave mine. "This bitch won't stop me from getting back there if you need me." She laughed lightly.

I think she expected some sort of light-hearted response or maybe even a smile, but there was nothing. I took her words seriously and I would hold her to them.

I slowly stand, accidentally knocking the cup of coffee off the chair arm where I had placed it.

"Don't worry about that, I'll get it. Go ahead." Nicky quickly reassures me.

I wasn't worried about it, I don't care about anything now.

The nurse led me down a million halls, a maze that's never ending. The white wash walls making me uneasy, I hate this place. It reeked of death and agony, sadness and the unknown. If I ever make it out of here alive, I will never return.

Finally we arrive at our destination. She stands near the doorway, waiting for the moment I muster enough courage to walk in.

My feet are bolted to the floor, I'm frozen. I've already made my decision, and this will make it much more difficult. I don't want her anymore.

"Well.." The nurse huffs impatiently. She shows no sympathy or compassion. I didn't ask for it nor did I want it, but her attitude was unnecessary. "She's waiting for you."

I walk into the room and I see her. I recognize her instantly. She's my daughter.

"I'll give you some privacy." The nurse shuts the door behind me, finally leaving me alone for the first time since this all began.

The baby's so small and innocent. She doesn't even have a name yet. I gently lift her from the hospital bassinet. She stirs, but only for a moment. The mix of emotions overwhelm me.

I settle into the chair next to her bassinet while protectively wrapping her up in my arms. Her tiny hand wraps around my finger and I sob. I love her already.

I'm her salvation, her defender and provider but mere seconds ago I was ready to sign her away. I couldn't hold onto the one thing that would remind me that the love of my life will never return.

I remember seeing the doctor emerge from the delivery room. I was so excited, we were starting a family. He told me something about placenta praevia that had gone undetected throughout the pregnancy. I became confused, begging to see my wife. That's when he informed me I couldn't see her, that I would never see her again. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Things like this just didn't happen. The day my daughter was born was the day that my wife had died.

I look down at my daughter, my jaw clenched while tears roll down my cheeks. I blame her. I feel an intolerable amount of guilt for blaming something so new to the world of such a horrible crime. I'm the reason she's here and she's the reason my wife isn't.

Her eyes open just barely, but they're dark. I can't decide who she looks like, I hope it isn't me.

"Hi.." I whisper. She stirs once again, looking up at me with big, round eyes. I bite down hard on my quivering lip, my tears never ceasing. I see it now. She doesn't look like me, she looks like her. She'll be a constant reminder of what I lost.

My thumb gently grazes her cheek. I can't do this, I can't be her mother. "I'm sorry." I apologize as if she understands the situation. My voice is cracking, I can barely speak. She was supposed to bring light into my life, but it's dark as far as I can see.

I carefully lay her back into the bassinet. She's squirming now, upset at the loss of contact. I hate myself for not caring.

I walk over to the door, although the room is spinning and my knees are weak. I turn the door knob, swinging the door open swiftly. I hear it bang into the wall as I exit. It must've startled the baby.

I stumble along the railing of the wall. I can hear her crying, the sound like nails on a chalkboard to me. The bitchy nurse from before witnesses the entire thing, apparently unable to speak. I head straight for the stairwell, pushing the door open and slipping inside.

Once I realize it's unoccupied I fall to my knees. I scream, looking for some way to release the pain. I'm shaking and almost certain that I'm going to suffocate and wither away in here. It's a welcomed scenario.

I feel a pair of arms wrap around me tightly. My body's rigid and still shaking, I try to resist the contact. "Hey, come here.. I'm not letting you go." It was Nicky. The nurse must have alerted her. She's crying. I haven't caught a glimpse of her yet, but I can hear it in her voice.

I give in, too weak to fight anymore. "It's not fair, I want her back." I sob into her shoulder, wondering if she could even understand me.

"I know, kid." I can feel her head nod. "I want her back, too."

We argued last night. It was ridiculous, honestly. I was convinced we were having a boy, but somehow she just knew it was a girl. We disagreed on paint colors for the nursery. I suggested blue, but she insisted on lavender. She went into labor just a couple of hours later. The colors didn't matter now. As far as I was concerned that room would never be occupied.

"I can't do it alone, Nicky. I need her." Nicky's hand is rubbing my forearm, again she thinks it will help.

There's part of me that doesn't believe this is real, it's just a nightmare. I'll wake up soon and she'll be there, lying next to me. She'll smile at me, I'll get lost in her eyes. We'll argue about the baby, laugh at ourselves for being so stubborn. She'll kiss me and everything will be right again.

My eyes are glazed over and focused on the floor, but Nicky's voice guides me back to my worst nightmare. Where she isn't here and she never will be again. I won't see her face or hear her laugh. She won't watch our daughter grow and learn. "You have me and Lorna, Polly and Pete. We'll help you with anything you need. You don't have to do it alone. We're here for you, and for the baby."

I can't stop the sudden wave of emotion that crashes into me and grabs hold. I'm gripping onto Nicky tightly, nearly screaming in agony. "It's not the same!" I'm furious with her for thinking their presence could replace that of my wife. My daughter will never know her mother, the better half of me.

"I'm not keeping her." I'm looking into Nicky's eyes, but my stare is cold and unfocused.

"Hold on." She seems confused. "Maybe you should just take a moment t-"

"I'm not keeping her." I interrupt her, repeating my words sternly.

Nicky grabs hold of my shoulders and turns my body, rather forcefully, to face hers. I can feel the heartache spread through my bones, every inch of me in pain. I can't read her expression, but she looks pissed.

"You listen to me, you asshole.." She bites.

I'm surprised by her sudden change in demeanor. I didn't expect to be treated this way for making what I thought was the right decision. My brows furrow, mouth slightly agape.

"That baby needs you. Her mother just died and you're going to abandon her?" She's so disappointed in me, I can see it in her eyes.

I'm disappointed in myself, but this isn't how it was supposed to be. I can't move on, live my life without her. It would be like she didn't matter.

"Your daughter's the only thing that you have left of her. God, what the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know why I expected better from you, fuck." It looks like she's going to cry again and I wonder if it's because of me. Her words were all over the place, but I understand what she's trying to get across to me.

"I'm scared." I whisper between sobs.

"Yeah, well, your daughter's scared too. She's in there alone, you're all she has in the world now. She's depending on you, don't fuck that up. Stop being selfish. This isn't what your wife would want and you know that. Can you imagine how pissed she would be that you even said something like that? She'd kick your ass."

Nicky smiles and I can see that glint in her eyes that appears every time she talks about her.

I wipe the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand and glance around, finally realizing we're on the floor in a stairwell. I can barely remember today's events, it's like my mind's already building a wall and blocking it out. I just can't accept it, I refuse.

Nicky stands in one quick motion and holds her hand out for me. I stare at it for a moment, unsure of what will happen next. I want to curl up in a ball here on the floor. I want to scream and cry and curse the world until my throat fails to cooperate anymore, but my daughter needs me.

I grab onto Nicky's hand and, with her help, rise to my feet. My legs are shaking, but she helps to keep me steady.

We walk back to the room where they're keeping the baby. This time I don't stop, I don't pause or look for a distraction. I walk into the room quickly and without the help from Nicky. She stays a few steps behind.

She's quietened down now, content with being alone. Maybe she knew I would be back for her. I scoop her up into my arms and hold her close to me. I can't stop the tears that begin to fall from my eyes. I can't believe I didn't want her, now I can't imagine letting her go.

**_4 years later..._**

"Mommy.."

My eyes are closed, but I hear her speak and I smile against the top of her head.

Every night she insists that I lay in bed with her and read a bedtime story until she falls asleep. She's too stubborn to admit she's afraid of the dark. I enjoy our routine, though.

"Hmm?" I hum, my eyes fluttering open slowly.

"Tell me what she was like."

"Again?" I ask, already knowing what her response would be. She's old enough now to realize there's something missing in her life. She has so many questions, which I'm happy to answer. It still hurts, I still cry at night from time to time, but she needs to know.

"Yes!" She giddily replies.

I laugh, pulling her in closer to me. "Well, she was outspoken, stubborn, oh soo charming.." I almost swoon just thinking about it. "She was always sarcastic, she was witty and smart."

"Mommy," She looks up at me puzzled. I look down at her in a questioning matter. "I don't know what most of those words mean."

I kiss the top of her head, stroking her dark locks as her head takes up residence against my chest once again. "I'm just getting started, kid."

"She loved adventure, rainy days and scary movies-"

"Scary movies are my favorite!" She interrupts. I laugh, unsure of what exactly it was she considered to be a scary movie. Most Disney movies are pretty fucked up if you really think about it, though.

"I loved her from the moment I saw her, I still love her. We were inevitable, meant to be. She was the love of my life." She's watching me as I speak, hanging on my every word. I want to cry, but I smile through the tears. "I see her in you everyday, and I want you to always remember that she loved you more than anything. You meant the world to her, you mean the world to me too."

She nods, but I can see her eyes are getting heavy.

"How about we save the rest for tomorrow?" I don't get a response from her, but I assume the silence means she's okay with delaying our talk.

I move from the bed, keeping a watchful eye on her as I walk toward the door.

"Ally.."

She looks up at me and smiles, and all I can see is Alex looking back at me. "I love you."

She yawns, still smiling while she settles back into bed. She's exuding her mother's spirit. "I love you too, mommy."

I step out into the hall and close the door quietly, so happy with the decision I made all those years ago. Normally I would run and I would hide, but I couldn't abandon our daughter. I think Alex would be proud of me.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, I'm pretty sure that's it for now!<strong>

**Thanks so much for reading, and please let me know what you think!**

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